Disabilities
Perspectives on Parenting©
by Nancy Lambert Davenport
Nancy Davenport's Column:
For Richardson News 11-07-99
Copyright Nancy Lambert Davenport 1999
"Knowing What To Say and Do"
It seems to go in uneven spurts around here. Weeks will pass and I will get no calls from people who are newly learning to deal with some aspect of disability. Then I will have several calls back to back.
The most interesting calls are from people wanting to help someone. The calls are never the same. Recently there was one from someone who just found out that her best friend just gave birth to a baby with a disability. She wanted to know what to do. I discerned that what she really wanted to know was how to make the problem go away. She said, "I hurt so much for my friend. I want to be able to take her pain for a while just to give her some relief." We all know that can't be done. Her friend is eventually going to come head to head with the fact that her child has a disability and make a decision about how she is going to deal with it.
On the heels of that conversation was a call was from a grandparent, torn between his own grief because a new grandchild has a disability and worry for his own child, the parent. He too wanted to carry the burden somehow for his grown child.
When those calls come I have a two-sided job. I need to help the callers with their own grief and to understand the grief of their loved one, and at the same time I want to give useful information they can pass on to the new parents.
The person who is helping will need to understand that no two people cope with the shock of the disability in the same way. Everyone will grieve, but the pace and style of grieving will vary. Some people may prefer solitude to adjust, so the need for companionship may be minimal. Others may want to talk about it and work through concerns they have. Some may like to be quiet and think. A good friend or a loving, mature parent will be perfect to provide that much needed unconditional acceptance.
If the call I receive is from a close family member he can help by being sensitive to important family issues that may be neglected during the crisis. If major decisions have to be made, he can encourage the whole family to have a part in any decision. Even with life seeming to be haywire, he can try to help keep family routines and activities going. This sensitive person can also be instrumental in helping a neglected sibling or spouse not be forgotten and left out.
A respected loved one can provide immense assistance in maintaining an upbeat, non-judgmental attitude. While not trying to fix everything, he can maintain hope, bring in humor, and be a good listener.
I like to warn callers to avoid saying the obvious in an attempt to comfort, but at the same time empathy is imperative. Don't give advice. Be patient. Know that the grief and acceptance process of having a baby with a disability can be long and tedious or it can be short and sweet. No two people cope with this kind of grieving the same. No two families do either. Ken Moses said that grieving is not a problem, it is a solution in which loved ones can share.
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Nancy Lambert Davenport
EMAIL: ndavenport@ticnet.com
URL: http://www.nancyldavenport.com