Family
Perspectives on Parenting©
by Nancy Lambert Davenport


Nancy Davenport's Column:
For Richardson News 02-28-99
Copyright Nancy Lambert Davenport 1999


"Discipline With Determination"


I haven't liked the baseball hat my son wears and loves since the day someone gave it to him as a gift. It doesn't look right on his head. I even stooped to hiding it a few months ago, but somehow he found it. I am sure he wondered how it got in the hall closet. Maybe I should have thrown it away when I had the chance.

Today he headed out to work with it on his head to his part-time internship is at the office of our local elementary school. I reminded him that schools have rules against hats for students as well as employees. He looked me in the eye and said, "No, they don't."

Now I decided long ago that I would not argue with my children. Whenever I did I always ended up on their level with "Yes, you will." "No, I won't." "Yes, you will." So I choose my words carefully. This child, after all, is 21 years old and has a right to his opinion. The fact that he has Down syndrome is irrelevant in this situation. I did make a mental note that I need to work with him a bit on the social skill of politely disagreeing with someone, especially me.

I have also learned through the years not to start in on something like that at the beginning of the day. It can ruin a whole day for everyone, so I pointed out to him that the reason they have the rules about hats is because gang members use them to identify themselves and people use them to cheat on tests by writing in the beaks and it's a distraction in the classroom.

He looked at me as if I had come from Mars. He left with his hat on his head.

I did not worry. I had not told him specifically not to wear the hat, so technically he was not disobeying. Also this kid is really a compliant fellow, so I knew full well he would take it off before he arrived at the school. Even if he didn't take it off, someone would make him do it at the school, and surely a lesson would be learned. It was definitely a war not worth waging between us.

If this situation had been his sister many years ago, she would have kept the beloved hat in her back pack until there was a time she knew she could get away with wearing it - then plop it on her head and never would have gotten in trouble. Her older brother in the same spot on the other hand would have pulled the hat down more firmly on his head and would not have removed it until the principal at the school peeled it off as he gave him his detention slip. Same family - same parents - same house. It is no wonder that parents get confused.

Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo in their book Reaching the Heart of your Teen, point out that correcting a teen is somewhat of an art. As the young person gets older the use of punishment should lessen and natural or logical consequences should increase. In either case - punishment or consequence - it should fit the crime. If it is too lenient, the teen will assume that the action they did was no big deal. If it is too harsh, the parent only creates exasperation and resentment in the teen.

I think most of us know this way down deep. In the heat of it all, it is hard to remember though. We get kind of crazy when our kids make poor decisions. It's hard - almost impossible -- to step back and make a sensible call when they use poor judgment. We find ourselves saying things like "What were you thinking?" or "How could you have done that?" instead. We want to staple on their foreheads Proverbs 22:3 "A prudent man foresees evil and hides himself, but the simple pass on and are punished."

I realize my hat example of kids and parenting is a mild one, but I hope serves the purpose of just that, an example. There is no one way kids or parents do things. There is also no anticipating what is going to happen next. We just have to take experiences and opportunities as they come and try to stay one step ahead. When we do, I promise the kids will grow up and most of the time will be just fine.


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Nancy Lambert Davenport
EMAIL: nancdave@swbell.net
URL: http://www.nancyldavenport.com