Parenting
Perspectives on Parenting©
by Nancy Lambert Davenport
Nancy Davenport's Column:
For Richardson News 12-04-94
Copyright Nancy Lambert Davenport 1994
Kids need affirmation to go on after failure
I met myself at the grocery store this week. The woman was I, 16 years ago when I had an infant and two young children. She had made a familiar mistake: going to the grocery store at the arsenic hour. The arsenic hour for most families is between 5:30 and 6: 30 p.m. Everyone is hungry. Everyone is tired. And Dad is late.
My mirror image wheeled through the store like a mad woman, grabbing items off the shelves without a glance at prices. Her older children, who were bickering, each clung to the grocery cart with one foot and one hand. They reminded me of trapeze artists waiting their turn on the highwire. The baby in the child seat had a runny nose, was miserable and was letting his mother know.
This was a set up for disaster. Only a super human mother could survive the situation without losing her cool at her children. We've all been there. Sometimes we muster the strength not to snap at the kids, but most of us fail when life deals us days like that one.
But what about the kids who hear frequent explosions from parents. Nothing the child does is right. When he does attempt something, he is "stupid" or "clumsy." When he goes on and on with childish prattle, he is told to shut up.
I remember hearing one mother scream an amazing contradiction in one breath at her child, "Would you stop asking so many questions? I'm gonna whup you, you are so dumb!" A child cannot survive that kind of abuse. The child who was intended to be, will die emotionally.
Parenting is the toughest job there is. Mistakes are costly. No doubt about it. Recently I was at a gathering at which a friend prayed for blessings on our "parent-response when our children experience failure--that we will affirm, never shame them."
It's hard when our children fail. That failure can be anything that does not live up to our or their expectation. Many of us see the failure as a direct reflection of our own worth--or lack of worth. That's why we parents sometimes tend to take their failure so to heart.
It's so easy to scream, "You are so dumb!" And it's hard to swallow and say, "I love you, honey. I know you're disappointed. What can we do to help you do better next time?" This goes for failure in any areas of life--academic, social, athletic, and even spiritual.
The real failure is if our children are unable to pick themselves up, learn from the experience, and try again. Their respose will be reflected in our response. They need to know our love is not conditional on their success.
To show this we've got to rise above our own disappointments by affirming rather than shaming if we want our kids to thrive.
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Nancy Lambert Davenport
EMAIL: nancdave@swbell.net
URL: http://www.nancyldavenport.com