Parenting
Perspectives on Parenting©
by Nancy Lambert Davenport
Nancy Davenport's Column:
For Richardson News 06-05-94
Copyright Nancy Lambert Davenport 1994
As we overcome our predjudice we can give help kids need
We had just finished lunch when the doorbell rang a few days ago. I cautiously asked, "Who is it?" through the closed door. I heard a chorus of young voices answer and one clearly say, "Is Austin home?"
Three boys who looked vaguely familiar greeted me as the door swung open. Austin visited with them a minute, then invited them in. Two had been on Austin's basketball team a couple of years ago, and one knew him from choir at school. They played video games for about an hour, each patiently waiting for their turn and giving encouraging comments to the player of the moment. Austin asked me if it was all right for them to swim if the boys just swam in their shorts since they didn't have suits with them. I checked if they all knew how to swim. One said, "Yes Ma'am, but I like the shallow end." I kept a close eye on him while they were outside. Before they left, they came and thanked me for letting them swim and play games.
It was all a pleasant exchange of neighborhood kids dropping by. The difference was that these were not from our immediate area. These were "apartment kids," crossing over from the other side of Skillman on foot ( a life threatening experience for anyone). Their behavior in my house was as good as I would expect from the most civilized child on our street. Using my many years of experience of kids dropping in as a gauge, I would say they behaved better than most children I have known.
I have to admit I found it confusing to consider that these polite kids come from the same residential area and have the same temptations as the ones who curse teachers, vandalize cars, participate in gangs, and peddle drugs to younger children.
I also have to confess that I was apprehensive about allowing them to come into my house. I am like so many people in my neighborhood -- I like and am comfortable around people just like me. I have to make an effort to be around people who are different. The deciding factor as to whether to let them in or not , of course, was my son, Austin who has some disabilities but who is an excellent judge of character. He is generally accepting of everyone until they show him a good reason he shouldn't be. Following his example, I let them in and am glad I did.
I realize there is a limit to our capacity to accept people. We cannot condone kids' destructive behavior and parents who let them misbehave -- but to what extent? What do we do with the kids who are out of control -- and their parents? How much do we tolerate as cultural differences? Do we let a small number of incorrigibles run us out of excellent schools and communities where we have lived for most of our lives?
No. Of course not. We stand our ground -- with sagacity, love, and tolerance and with careful soul searching so that our inbred prejudices will not lead us. Then we aggressively participate in becoming part of the solution -- rather than part of the problem. As we do this as a portion of our normal day, we may eventually see that many problem situations no longer occur.
We have a segment of our community of children who are being neglected. Children, who have great potential such as the ones who came to my door, will be lost without some help, and they definitely are worth helping. They need mentors, not custodians. They need teachers not judges. Some of their parents have no idea what it takes to parent because many of them are still children themselves. Those adults need friends and examples.
We can shake our fists and say, "that's not our job!" Then whose job is it? Who said when we signed up to be parents that it would be easy, that it would be just like it was when we were children, and that we would parent only our children? We can keep our head in the sand and hope things will become just as they used to be, or we can be a part of the solution.
A few suggestions for those who want to help: