Parenting
Perspectives on Parenting©
by Nancy Lambert Davenport


Nancy Davenport's Column:
For Richardson News 05-22-94
Copyright Nancy Lambert Davenport 1994


Once a parent always a parent


I know I am not the only one around here reeling from having a senior in the household. I can recognize other like-minded people -- suffering in silence, grim faced, teeth clinched, holding on to the arm rest. We take the ride as it comes -- grades, friends, parties, announcements, graduation preparation.

The kids make the front door into a revolving one as they come and go. At the same time they remind me of cubs in a den who wander farther and farther afield, testing the territory, then sometimes running back with their tails between their legs to lick their wounds in the safety of their den, only to leave again as soon as they have had time to heal.

Many are recovering from their first major disappointments in life. Some did not get into the colleges of their dreams. Others know they will not receive their diploma next week and are having to reevaluate how they spent the last four years. And a few are closing out some long term relationships that are hard to let go. As a result those secure dens are a pretty comfortable places to be right now.

There are also the seniors who have been accepted at their colleges of choice, and life is going smoothly. They are probably unable to see beyond graduation day so have no idea what is ahead and what major changes their lives are about to take. I guess that is natural and not bad. When I was eighteen, I didn't know what I wanted to study in college or what I would do when I got out of college. It also simply never occurred to me that I would ever be over thirty.

Most of us still approach major changes in our lives similarly. If we parents knew then what we know now, we might never have left home ourselves.

Many of us know too well what is ahead for our kids. As a result, we are having to resist fixing everything for them--making it "all better" as they said when their knees connected unexpectedly with the sidewalk just a few years ago. It's hard for us to refrain from storming the places or people who have caused setbacks to our children's plans, pounding a desk with parental authority, saying "HE'S JUST A CHILD! YOU CAN'T TREAT HIM THAT WAY!"

Even though we cannot pound desks any more on behalf of our children, I have found parenting doesn't stop just because the kids have moved out. We have two kids who are about to finish college. They have received their share of disappointments and occasionally come back to lick their wounds even if it is only on the phone. And I admit I still call my mother on the phone when things get really bad.

It helps to know that we-who-have-seniors are not alone, though, doesn't it? We gather in the vegetable department at Tom Thumb and commiserate with each other. We meet in clutches as we chaperone activities. It's as if we are making our own little places of security with each other in an effort to adjust to our fears of our children leaving.

I have a feeling most first-time parents of seniors are as ignorant about what is ahead as their seniors. And that's fine, but I did want to warn them that in case they thought they were through parenting after graduation, they are wrong. We are never through with the kids. So I send the warning out: they'll be back.


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Nancy Lambert Davenport
EMAIL: nancdave@swbell.net
URL: http://www.nancyldavenport.com