Parenting
Perspectives on Parenting©
by Nancy Lambert Davenport
Nancy Davenport's Column:
For Richardson News 07-18-99
Copyright Nancy Lambert Davenport 1999
"Kids will scratch out 'pecking order' unless mother hens intervene"
There is a small lake near our house where we lived in Lubbock. It is one of many natural indentations in this very flat section of the earth to which the water drains. Some call them buffalo wallows (because that is what the animals did there once upon a time), others call them tanks, but we liked to call ours a lake.
A few ducks and geese thought it was a lake, too, because they made their home their part of the year. I enjoyed taking the children to feed
te birds occasionally to our lake. In spite of rumors to the contrary Lubbock has many beautiful days to do such things.
On one particularly lovely afternoon, we leisurely dispensed an entire loaf of bread to these hungry waterfowl. The kids tried to distribute the food equally, but to no avail.
It was clear that the larger birds were that way because they were more aggressive. They would push and shove and flap their wings noisily to get the bread. It was also obvious that the smaller ones were little because they just didn't have the competitive edge or the realization of what needed to be done to get where they wanted to be.
The term "pecking order" was exemplified perfectly with that group of birds.
Educators have shown that pecking order can effect people too, especially children. Cart ledge and Milburn their book, "Teaching Social Skills to Children," said that children who have "positive social behaviors such as seeking out the teacher, initiating contact about work assignments, answering or trying to answer questions, smiling at the teacher, and being attentive during lessons get more positive attention from the teacher."
These same students usually experience more academic success. On the other hand, students who have inappropriate behaviors possible because of a learning disability, "are not well accepted by classmates" or many teachers.
These same kids often grow up with few friends, isolated and alienated from peers.
There are various theories floating about as to why some kids with learning disabilities develop inadequate social skills. Johnson and Milepost in "Learning Disabilities: Educational Principles and Practices" say it is due to perceptual deficits. That involves a person's inability to "make sense" of information received through the senses, but does not involve vision and hearing problems.
These kiddos simply don't come to the same conclusion as most of the world about what they hear and see from other people. As a result, the part of a relationship, which is developed non-verbally, will appear confusing and disjointed unless it is explicitly presented and learned.
Another theory is that social and peer problems are a result of a language delay. Studies show that many children with learning disabilities have trouble convincing peers of their way of thinking, don't find the same things funny that their non-disabled peers do, contradict themselves, and have trouble moving into the use of abstract language.
Other experts postulate that peer problems are a direct result of academic failure. With this failure a child who has low self-esteem also turns to acting out behavior. This results in peer rejection and other social problems.
Some think that parents, teachers, and others have inadvertently "rewarded" this inappropriate behavior with teasing or scolding. Kids may be thinking that any attention is better no attention.
Experts have concluded that children with social deficits such as these often appear as loners, but want companionship as much as anyone. They just don't know how to go about it and don't know what they are doing wrong that turns people off.
Teachers and parents can help immensely by developing a long-term accepting relationship, but they have to be ready for a long road ahead. There is no quick fix.
As mentioned above, kids with learning disabilities such as these are very concrete thinkers. They clearly are not picking up on our facial expressions or our body language. In other words, we should not be subtle when we discuss their inappropriate behavior.
Cart ledge and Milburn suggest in-depth discussions. Here is an example with questions about a specific incident that involved teasing and an altercation.
What did you want to happen? Did they stop teasing you? What else did they do? Were you pleased with the way you got them to stop? If you were being teased again, would you do the same thing? What would you try to do different? Why? How do you feel about yourself in this situation? How do you think the other children felt? Do you want to remain angry with these children? What will you do next time?
I think it is important to consider also the timing of these questions. Remember, the child with the learning disability is the one at the end of the pecking order with fewer social tools to defend him. To pull him aside and ask these questions where his peers (and he) will perceive it as punishment is not constructive.
Also to ask the questions while everyone's adrenaline is still pumping is counter-productive. Wait for a private time. Also, remember that the children who were doing the teasing are in just as great a need of help as the child who does not have the social skills. Both are actually lacking some degree of social skills.
Kids should not be allowed to get away with attempting to establish a pecking order. This system helps put out the fire at the time and minimizes the damage, but nothing replaces building these children up.
We who are in contact with them must be vigilant in finding moments when they do things right and complimenting them. If we can explain to them alone why what they did worked and was good it will help them build their set of skills. Also, it's helpful if we can occasionally compliment them in front of their peers. Over time, not only will the child start seeing his own strengths and be able to build on them, thus leveling out the pecking order, but so will his peers.
Some information and all references to other authors in this article were from a book by Rhoda Cummings and Cleborne Maddux, "Parenting the Learning Disabled: A realistic Approach."
Return to
Top of Page
Return to
Table of Contents
Return to Home Page
Nancy Lambert Davenport
EMAIL: ndavenport@ticnet.com
URL: http://www.nancyldavenport.com