Family
Perspectives on Parenting©
by Nancy Lambert Davenport

"Where There's A Will There's A Way"

One of the perks of writing a newspaper column is that I meet interesting people whom I might not ordinarily have the opportunity to meet. When my son was in high school, Diane called long distance often. We both had teen with disabilities, so we not only hashed out problems of kids with disabilities, but we also tried to keep from going nuts because they were teens.

With one call I learned that Diane’s daughter, Emily (both names have been changed), had begun stealing. Twice she had taken wallets of girls—once at school and one in her home—and secreted them away in her dresser. Each time Diane discovered the stolen items when she was putting away the laundry in her daughter’s room. Neither time did Emily spend any of the money that was in the wallet.

Diane had two concerns. First, of course, was how to get her daughter to stop wanting to steal; and second, she was terrified about the consequences that could rain upon Emily if the school authorities found out about the theft at school. Her school’s principal was not sold on educating a student with disabilities along side typical students and would have loved to have an excuse to kick her out.

It is interesting that when Diane returned the wallet to the mother of its owner, that mother mentioned the same potential danger of Emily getting removed from school. The mother said she so valued the experience for her daughter to be around Emily that she would simply report that the wallet turned up and to call off the search. She knew that Emily was not a thief and that something else was going on in her head.

So what was going on in her head? Diane’s daughter has trouble communicating verbally, so it was difficult to sit down and hash it out in discussion. In our phone conversation we discussed several possibilities.

He said there are social and emotional needs being met by these extended moments of play that can be found nowhere else.

Diane’s household would be considered well-to-do, so desire for more money was not the root. Desiring attention was possibly the answer since the wallets were so easily found. Vicarious enjoyment while pretending to be the owner of those wallets was another thought. Emily possibly found it appealing to pretend that all those pictures in those wallets were her friends.

Those trails of thought ended up naturally in a conversation about low self-esteem—a plague to many teenaged girls.

To start with, Diane said she would try to help her daughter have more friends at school beginning with someone with whom she could eat lunch.

Second, Diane concluded that her project for a while would be to find something great upon which to have Emily build her self-esteem. Diane concluded that she needed to find something her daughter already does well and help her be “the best.” Experts say everyone needs to have something they do exceptionally well, so when their ego is attacked in academics or athletics or social situations or in some other area, they know they still are a great stamp collector or bowler or artist.

In addition to building her friendships and self-esteem, Diane felt that no matter what the reason Emily had for stealing, she must endure some direct consequences for her actions. In the spirit of the punishment fitting the crime, Diane decided to “ground” Emily for two weeks from the use of two things which are precious to her—a beloved jacket and a pair of newly acquired running shoes. This way Emily could possibly feel the loss that the other girls had experienced at her hands.

Of course, there is never one clear answer anytime we parents come across a problem like this one. It’s not any more perplexing than working with an “A” student who cheats on a test or a talented athlete who enjoys putting others down.

We all keep trying solutions hoping one will hit the target. Knowing Emily now a few years later, it is clear these tactics were successful in helping her find her way.

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Nancy Lambert Davenport>
EMAIL: nancdave@swbell.net
URL: http://www.nancyldavenport.com