Parenting
Perspectives on Parenting©
by Nancy Lambert Davenport

Nancy Davenport's Column:
For Richardson News 10-22-00
Copyright Nancy Lambert Davenport 2000

"Sex Ed: You can't run away, so just face it"

I remember well when my son's peach fuzz was declared stubble. It was not a good day for me. I wanted to bury my head in the coat closet. I wanted to find the win d-up handle on his back and reverse it with all my strength.

I also wanted somehow to unparent; but as all parents know, we can't unparent. We wake up each morning, day in and day out, no matter what happens; and find we are still parents, like it or not.

My attempt to rewind his time clock did not work. The years have passed. He kept growing and maturing. He now has his dad's beard that looks best if shaved twice a day. I'm used to it now. When I kiss his cheek, it's like kissing sandpaper.

Of course the day I found the stubble, I knew what was ahead and dreaded it: I knew I was going to have to do some sort of sex education with him.

It's hard enough looking a non-disabled kid in the eye and explaining what sex is, why it's wonderful, and in the same breath explain why he should stay away from it until marriage. Talking about sex to a child with disabilities is nearly impossible.

So I didn't. Instead, I have done it in lobs - just like the tennis term. It's probably not the best way, but it's worked so far for us. I kept quiet when I saw him going along in life as if he were hitting smooth forehands and backhands. When he started getting too close to the net, I'd send him a lob. That lob was usually just enough information to get him back to hitting smooth strokes again. It was kind of a need-to-know method.

At the same time and almost as a contradiction, we parents of kids with disabilities find ourselves needing to teach our kids social skills about sexuality way above and beyond what other kids have to learn. That is because if our kids do something even slightly inappropriate, they are often labeled as weirdoes, and ignorant people become afraid. Also, our kids are at much greater risk for abuse because they become so trusting and so dependent on others for much of their care.

It's clear that I am not the expert on this subject, so here are tips from the pros at Personal Safety Awareness Center - but in my words - on how to approach your child with disabilities of any age on the subject of sex:

- It's a fact that you're both going to be uncomfortable.
- If you're uncomfortable admit it to your child, but talk anyway.
- Don't assume your child knows anything or knows it correctly.
- Telling your child about sex will not upset him. It's your attitude that might.
- It's OK to set boundaries of sexual behavior so long as they are clear and open and do not make him feel guilty for being sexual.
- Be clear about what can be done in private and what can be done in public.
- Don't let him get away with any kind of inappropriate sexual behavior even when he is young.
- Get help if a problem occurs outside of your expertise.

Remember what you teach him now will affect him the rest of his life, so be sure that what you teach is correct and fits your values. Then relax, as we did, and enjoy your kid as he grows up. It's not so bad as we thought. In fact, grown kids are pretty nice.

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Nancy Lambert Davenport
EMAIL: nancdave@swbell.net
URL: http://www.nancyldavenport.com