Parenting
Perspectives on Parenting©
by Nancy Lambert Davenport
Nancy Davenport's Column:
For Richardson News 09-03-00
Copyright Nancy Lambert Davenport 2000
"'Hope to Cope' helps loved ones live with disabilities"
It's fun to meet couples who have it together. You know what I mean. They really enjoy each other's company; there is clear respect in the relationship; they can laugh but seldom at the other's expense. They are lovers and best friends. It's hard not to feel comfortable around them.
I have known many couples like Nancy that in the world of disabilities. Bringing a disability into the mix of a relationship seems to make or break the deal. Couples are either strengthened or badly weakened in the quality of their togetherness.
When couples choose the former (and it is a choice); their relationship eventually takes on many of the qualities described above.
The disability may arrive on the scene in one of four ways.
The first is by choice. One person may have a disability when he enters into a relationship. Everything is on the table from the first date. The challenge is to develop a relationship despite the intrusion of disability, not because of it.
The second is if one spouse becomes disabled at some point during the marriage. Initially this is very tragic, and they go through a grieving process for the old ways of life. When things go as they should, eventually they lay a new foundation for a new way of life and march on stronger and better as a couple.
The third way is through the birth of a child. Couples have great hopes and dreams for a newborn, almost all unrealistic in the best of circumstances. When a child is born with a disability, whether it is genetic or traumatic, those dreams are shattered immediately. (Everyone else usually waits about 14 years to have those dreams torn apart.) This challenges a couple's relationship in many ways.
The last and probably the most difficult is when a child becomes disabled at some point in his or her life. This is tough for parents, whether the child is 4 or 40. It can shake the foundation of the strongest relationship.
All of these pathways to introducing disability into a relationship are challenging and unique. Joni Eareckson Tada has recognized this.
When Joni was a teenager, a diving accident paralyzed her from the neck down. After years of learning to live with a disability, she has now put together a conference to address the needs of each group separately, yet together.
The conference is called Hope to Cope. From 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Sept. 16, four couples, one familiar with each of the four ways a relationship can be affected by disabilities, will address the subjects of denial, grieving, support, independence vs. codependence, communication, conflict resolution, roles and balance.
Admission is $5 per person, but registration is required. The conference will take place at Prince of Peace Lutheran Church, 4000 Midway Road in Carrollton.
Send your fee, name, address, phone and e-mail address to Joni and Friends, 103 1 0 N. Central Expressway, Suite 350, Dallas, TX 75231. Mention which of the four areas you are most interested in. For more information, look up the Web site www.dfwcbd.com/htc.
In addition to helping couples, this conference could assist their supporters (grandparents, grown siblings, good friends) learn how to help their, loved ones cope with disability;), I think it would be a day well, spent.
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Nancy Lambert Davenport
EMAIL: nancdave@swbell.net
URL: http://www.nancyldavenport.com