Inclusion
Perspectives on Parenting©
by Nancy Lambert Davenport
Nancy Davenport's Column:
For Richardson News 01-30-00
Copyright Nancy Lambert Davenport 2000
"Consider Behavior Supports"
Sam never seemed to get it right when he attempted relationships. Everything he
did irritated people around him. He talked when he should have been listening,
he poked and prodded his peers to the point that they avoided sitting next to
him, and his siblings wanted locks on their own bedroom doors. As a result Sam
was a very lonely child which only made him become more socially unacceptable.
Sam came to our church youth group in the raw condition I have described above.
The kids there were no different than any other group with whom he had come
into contact. They too avoided him. Our youth director, Glenn, though was
challenge by Sam. He saw a little of himself in him (in particular, the
Attention Deficit Disorder) and wanted to help. Without realizing what he was
doing Glenn did exactly what Sam needed, in the order that he needed it done.
The first thing he did was convince Sam that he loved and accepted him
unconditionally. Glenn mustered the attitude, that in spite of appearances Sam
was a neat kid. He made a list in his mind of all the strengths Sam had and
began to build from there. That was the foundation of every moment they spent
together. Instead of thinking, "Sam can't sit still, Sam pokes at other
kids all the time, and Sam says obnoxious things," Glenn stretched his
mind as often, as he could, to think "Sam really reads well, Sam is gentle
with his little sister, and Sam can follow one instruction if I give it to
him."
In addition, Glenn never allowed others, adults or kids, to label Sam with his
poor behavior. He was Sam, not the wild kid, the ADD kid, or the bad kid. Glenn
knew too well the destructiveness of such labels. They became self-fulfilling
prophesies.
Periodically Glenn saw occasions that Sam would undoubtedly fail. The boy
simply did not yet have the skills to succeed at certain things at this stage
in his life. At times like this, Glenn asked others around Sam to change their
behaviors enough to allow Sam to succeed. It was a good lesson for everyone -
that sometimes we may have to give a little or a lot.
Occasionally Glenn would call together all the adults who worked with his
group, plus a couple of older kids who were in strong leadership roles and ask
us to put our heads together about Sam. We all benefited from sharing ideas (the
older kids usually had the best thoughts), and we felt more confident ourselves
in dealing with Sam, knowing we all agreed and that we were not alone. This
also relieved some frustration exhibited by a few of the adults who were not
handling Sam well.
Without Sam knowing, we assigned one of the older kids to be his
"buddy" on outings. An adult was always nearby as backup. We all
agreed that Sam responded better to certain types of non-confrontational
correction, so we concluded that it was silly be confrontational. We also knew
that Sam was easiest to have around when he knew what we were going to do and
exactly what the rules were. He "heard" the rules best from Glenn, so
that was always Glenn's job with every activity before we started.
With much repetition and over a period of years Glenn was able to back out of
many of these classic behavior supports he set up for Sam. Sam is now thriving
under the structure of the Marines.
According to the dictionary "art" is the "conscious use of skill
and creative imagination." If that is the case I have to say, it is an art
to deal well with a child who has behavioral differences because it does take
skill and creativity. It can also follow that the child, Sam, who has been
influenced by the artist, Glenn is a lovely work of art. I wish you could meet
him. He is a neat young man.
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